What goes around

A couple of days ago we booked our tickets and we are soon heading over together to have our next transfer in Thessaloniki, Greece. Our hearts are filled with excitement and we are both looking forward to get over there and transfer our new embryos over into my body. This photo is from August 2008. In case you are wondering... yes that's me the day after our wedding. I look at this photo and it takes me directly back to how amazing I felt then, how committed and in love I was then. So just like that I can dive straight into that moment with the same energy and the same enthusiasm. Nothing can compare to that sensation, so I am locking this one in my heart and my suitcase to go again 14 years later.

"What’s different in this IVF round?"
Last year someone asked me that question and I took it to heart. It was cold and direct but also so potently true but I am not sure I had a clear answer for her then. It stayed with me for a bit and now it’s popping into my head. Sometimes, I can feel some judgment from people, and I am sure it is simply out of care for me, just like this lady that asked me that question. She is a doctor in her profession and compassion is not her first medical approach. Her way of thinking is scientific base, how are you changing the parameter of this formula and make corrections in order for it to work this time? As it obviously didn’t work the time before and the time before that. 

I feel ready to answer that question more directly and more factually this time. We have a new donor, all embryos have been tested, we are going together, we have had some difficult conversations this year that brought us closer and to a better understanding. We are more organized, we are only focusing on ourselves. We found each other again. We are a unit again.

Or I can simply say, it is not any of your business. We still whole heartedly want to have a baby, a family and we believe this is our way to get it. Even my mum, whom I guarantee, loves me the most in the world, when I told her that all the recent tests to confirm that my uterus can in fact conceive, have came back clear and good to go, made a gentle comment/gesture to say, well if there is nothing wrong with you than what is wrong? Why hasn’t it worked so far!?
Only then I realised that I no longer look for who to blame or what to blame, I simply look forward to act on a solution.

The other day I listen to one of Esther Perel podcasts, she paused to highlight one of the sure pathway to living in shame is a coding of "what’s wrong with me?" instead of "I did something wrong." I feel that in this journey of fertility storm, you may find yourself jumping between the two, not to mention we can also blame the partner, the doctor, the food we ate, the environment we were in. We want some answers and we want them to be clear. When we don’t have them, we must ride the storm with faith and with kindness to all involved. Letting go of control and letting go of the why are we not there yet is very hard to do, but must be practiced. I acknowledge that I am on a high right now, especially now that we are moving forward and amazingly the universe keeps shining the light on the next step and all that we need in order to take it, moving forward with positivity, hope, focus, clarity. Ahhhh the JOY!!!

Focusing on the fun along the way, focusing on the little things, the jokes, the possible side trips, all while getting very precise on medication, injections, scans, blood tests which are all very timely and precise, but I’ll leave that to the doctors and simply follow their instructions. Not focusing on anything or anyone that is/was wrong, simply focusing on what is fun and joyful and strong. 

I don’t know anyone that planned or had children that knew how it will all pan out at the end. From sleepless nights and nappy change to high school adjustment and teenage hormones management. You just work it out as you move along, stay open for new learnings, make changes, stay flexible and mostly let go of the notion that you have to have it all worked out before you start. This is not a business plan(which by the way some of this points still apply). Life can take a different turn at any point, and to think you have full control of it all the time is rigid and very limiting. I’ve learned that the more space I offer around it the more adaptable I can be, and that alone, brings me joy and ease to any given situation.

Maybe that could be my new mantra:
“Allow joy the space to move through you, around you and with you”.

Last week when I finished part 1 of this blog, I thought I'll come back to you with stories of what happened between coming out of quarantine in May 2021 to now. I thought I'll be telling you about all the shitty time we had adjusting back to life of living together under a roof that didn't really fit both of us anymore. We found ourselves in luck of communication, luck of connection, luck of purpose. Now, I realise there is hardly any point of going back there. That is well and truly in the past. It feels much more relevant and authentic to share with you what we are both good at and work amazingly together as, therefore sharing with you how by making a decision and sticking with it has connected us back again immediately and put us back on the road that we have both meant to be on... together.
Is every little detail important??... not really. Maybe that's where I've been spending my energy at and kept getting disappointed. Maybe, just maybe, divine timing will prove itself again and I just need to stay in focus, stay in joy. Stop the worry about what hasn't happened yet and enjoy what is happening right now. I am healthy, I am happy and we are on the path to create our family together.

Nothing feels more aligned and true. Back to visualising the happy moments along the way. Staying clear on the big picture and trust that the universe is already on the job of taking care of the details along the way.
Getting rid of the overwhelm is the hardest thing to do, as you want to control each step or even know what, where and how it will all happen. Stepping away from managing every detail, gives me a sense of freedom which then allow the true joy to shower us and fill in the void. 

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Self Love programs

Ask for help, not because you are weak, but because you want to remain strong.

Les Brown