First day of cycle. What does that mean on the IVF journey?
Depending where you are, this day will question you...are you ready to accept or are you ready to reject? Yes yes I know this question sounds fully loaded, and if you have read my previous posts, this is how I roll. So hear me out.
If life is about "doing the work", and if you are here you would fully agree with me, at some point I will have to dedicate a whole post for that alone, but for now let's assume that you are with me on that one, If life is about "doing the work" the quality of your life experience that is, then you know that you are a walking magnet and so anything and everything is about attraction. You think shitty thoughts and you get a taste of that you think abundance and endless possibilities you get magic heading your way. There is no doubt I must have skipped those lessons and chose to stay with my pain, or maybe that my preference were very different (like my work, travel, friends, family overseas) and I simply wasn't aware or didn't really know how to attract something different. I still tell myself that I must have had a lot to correct, rewire, re-condition, whatever you call it. I still sit here and try to explain it to myself, knowing that I somehow have been creating my reality so far and now the question is... on my first day of cycle what am I going to choose??
I can tell you, right now I am struggling to breath calmly because I am so excited to tell you about all that and I am typing faster than I ever did before, also I am excited that I am excited, because the fears of what if my period will never come? can I still go ahead with this procedure? is it still going to happen? am I still worthy... blah blah blah. First day of cycle (at this point of my journey) means great news because in about 2 weeks or so I will be ready to accept healthy embryos in my uterus. First day of cycle means we are ready to really, really really start the process. Holly molly thats exciting!!! I am ready to accept, I am ready to accept.
Earlier last week I had an interesting conversation about acceptance. Acceptance in a relationship, as a human, as an equal. One can get upset when unwanted feelings arise, especially the ones that makes you feel broken or incomplete. Those feelings leave you with a sense of no resolution, no argument, nothing to discuss. There is no right or wrong or any visible opportunities to understand other's perspectives because this is simply their point of view not yours, it’s their conclusion not yours, and therefore leaves you sad and rejected.
You can push away and understand that, that is indeed the end of that relationship. I’m going to suggest that the same applies to self acceptance. There are many aspects to self(BTW-we explore about 8 of them at my workshop called “True Identity” using the Octate process). See, I believe self acceptance and self love comes when the healing, love and and acceptance of all your aspects has come about. When you learn to live with and love all of you, even the parts of you that you wished you could change or improve.
There is no surprise that this conversation happened when it did, I wasn't triggered or sad, just empathetic and simply gave a supportive space to process. I now know deeply, that I am indeed accepting myself for who I am therefore have the ability to accept a new life and creation of love in my body.
Triggers only hit a nerve when that nerve has yet to heal properly or deeply. Sure we can get triggered, the question is how quickly do we go past it when that wound cuts open again? Do we stay in it and dig in it all over again? Do we allow all the pain to take over? Do we acknowledge the lessons from the past so we won’t repeat them? Do we need reminders or confirmations before we move on? Do we take responsibility for our part in all of it? and that is just me scanning through my head. how exhausting!?
Waaaaahhhh this feels so wonderful and so exhilarating. Because I now understand how much time I spend in my head trying to explain and justify my journey so far, nothing can compare to the feeling in my body right now that simply exploding with joy and thrill of what is coming. Not a drop of fear. Not a drop of doubt. Simply an ocean of gratitude flowing through my veins. Only tears of joy are flowing today.
There is a song by Kate Bush that has recently been back on the music charts, it's called: "Running Up that Hill" from 1985. When I heard it featuring on a recent popular TV show, I was completely swept with emotions. Going back to the 80's when I first heard it, my heart was swamped with loving memories, as well as totally immersed in the TV character who was running to save her life, as she was running for love and supported with her favorite music. This is now helping me create more loving memories as it is everywhere I go, even my spin classes. I love everything about it, especially how it makes me feel.
"Tell me we both matter, don't we? It's you and me..."- Kate Bush
I originally thought that the suitable title for this post would be Rejection, well that was yesterday when i started writing it and kept getting into jamming walls of no flow, ironically I sat back on my computer as soon as I confirmed the flow of the total opposite. The total contrast of rejection which is acceptance. Acceptance of self, acceptance of gifts, of love, of joy of anything my heart desires. You know that to truly understand one side of the stick you need to experience the other side of it. So then you truly have a wholesome experience of what it really means.
Remember that for next time that you are sitting or experiencing life on the opposite side of what you wish to experience. It is simply there for you to appreciate it even more. Your desire for it grows when you are experiencing the luck of it, it's at the moment of being grateful for it that it shall manifest before you. It doesn't mean that it is not on the way if you cannot see it or taste it right now, it may simply mean that you have yet to accept the lesson that is before you, healing and moving forward is by accepting all of what is as it is.