Last week I started with the monitoring process leading up to our predicted embryo transfer at the end of July. A blood test to check for baseline and general Nil issues. Last night I received an email from the team in Greece, asking me to repeat it as my TSH level were not normal. They may suggest that I am pregnant. The internal mess of conversation I am having for the past 24 hours is driving me up the wall. Given the time difference, I can’t really call the clinic and clarify, what on earth are they thinking!? Why has it come back this way? We have already booked our flights, we cannot afford any delays or extensions. This is the 7th or 8th person I’ve been dealing with, why is there no consistency? I find myself in the car boiling my eyes out , as I am feeling so lost, alone, broken, out of control, blubbering mess, tight, restricted, limited, confused…somebody make this stop!!!
How can I be here again?
Complete melt down!!
I tell myself to breathe easy, calm down, everything is ok. Small broken line in communication. This will all come good in a few hours. I am fine. Everything is ok and under control. Breath again, breath deeply. Everything is always working out for me.
This process is so intricate and time sensitive, there is very little room for error. Especially when only communicating via email and with overseas. No doubt I got triggered when the nurse suggested that I could be pregnant, therefore we cannot proceed until double checking. We haven’t had sexual intercourse in a while (thank you for the reminder!), must I repeat the blood test still? Can’t we just proceed with the original plan. Suddenly I realised I don’t even know what is the plan. Hence the big chaos in my head all of a sudden.
Now let me tell you, this kind of mental meltdown or a possible mild panic attack, is normal and common throughout this whole journey. No matter how much yoga, breathing, reading, meditating or any other practices you do. This is very real and very present.
I must say, writing about it now helps to dissolve some of that, as at this very moment I become the observer of that situation and not the victim of it. In fact there is no situation, this is all a development of my thoughts, assumptions and fears based on my experience from the past. Watching my self turning an email and a simple request for a repeat blood test, has turned my day upside down and gone to places far further than the reality of it. To my defence, I now need to wait 6 hours or so before I can call the clinic directly and get a clearer explanation of where we are right now.
Regardless, this moments/days do happen during IVF. There are so many details and things you need to be aware of, know of, pay attention to, follow…blah blah blah. Yes there is a sense of fatigue in my tone. It’s mixed with a bit of resentment. But honestly, can you blame me? I just want to go back to smooth, easy and organised program to follow. In fact I would prefer to have it all behind me, sit on the beach with a positive pregnancy test and enjoy the bloody sun!! I know, I know… It is so close. I can almost feel it. Isn’t that what they say… success is only one more step away. Don’t give up now. Keep the faith and stay hopeful.
“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.” – Jonas Salk
I can feel my heart opening up again and my lungs fill up with air. I breath deeply again and feel the calmness entering my body and every cell in it. I feel grateful for the time I allow myself to process it all, I feel grateful for trusting the process and know that everything is happening for me just as it should. I feel loved, I feel strong, I feel healthy. I allow life through me. I allow love and forgiveness through me.
I am free. I am free.
Thank you for being here.