I heard this a million time before, and I’m sure you have too…”it is all in your head” change your mindset, change the way you think, thoughts become things, what you think is what you create. You get what I mean.
I can share a long list of thoughts that have came up for me in the past few years, especially since I couldn’t get any answers from a medical point of view as to why my children are not here yet.
There were issues with the Sperm a while ago, that was fixed with some vitamins. They said keep trying because the success rate of IVF is still only 30%, so it is a numbers game… just keep trying, after about 8 failed attempts they said it’s time for egg donation, suggesting my eggs are not viable even though nothing really points to it.
We had 5 embryos donation transfer that didn’t work and you said it’s probably the donor, very unlikely but possible. We did a thorough test of my uterus that cost a fortune only to find out that everything is perfectly fine and working like a clock.
The anxiety that I’m experiencing, which feels more like fear and self doubt that creeps in as we are just short of a month before transfer. I’m on the hormone program again, which takes over my cycle and my sanity it seems. Yes I’m freaking out a little as I begin to fight all the negative thoughts that are (this time) based on past experiences. I know, I know… past experiences, but seriously do you blame me for feeling that way!?
I have done so much work to replace my limiting beliefs and reframe them into new learnings and new outcomes. Putting myself in a forgiving and more positive space, more self loving and accepting space, so when they come up I eliminate them quick enough so they don’t take over my brain and create all this negative flow again, causing rejection and shame.
Last week I saw my devoted acupuncture/ kinesiology therapist. One key and important member of the baby making team. He asked me to think of one emotion that I need to clear: “Pick the big one the real one”-he said.
I knew exactly what it is before he even finished the sentence. I kept arguing in my head that it cannot be this. Not again.
From my experience in working with clients, I know that once you dive in deep enough this are the two main limitations that you will expose:
Not capable or not worthy.
In coaching we want to make sure that we get to the original event/time that this limiting belief was created. Is it possible that I have yet to find the very first one?Underneath the many other debilitating limiting beliefs sits the main limitation.
I am not worthy.
We’ve already cleared the too old, not able because career comes first, not good enough to be a mum/parent, not pure enough to create a new life, did a lot of bad things therefore punished, not responsible enough, not a good role model, not able to fall pregnant, my husband is not Jewish therefore god doesn’t allow, I’m a big mistake and not supposed to be here anyways.
I feel that the next layer of my limiting belief of unworthiness is not worthy of unconditional love that comes from a child. That pure essence that simply is a creation of love itself. It knows nothing but joy, happiness and love. Simply from being exactly that.
Have you ever felt that? Be honest and check in. You may be reading this and think, oh this is silly, so out of proportion, why would you ever feel or think this way, but I am telling you this is very honest. This is the basis of my deepest fears.
This is why part of me(a big part of me) is believing it hasn’t happened yet and maybe even thinking it still shouldn’t. Being so close I know that this is critical time to do the work necessary to get past this. To clear the pathways of thought that initiate such creation, or luck of it.
Now is the time to break all the limitations that create those boundaries around my desire. Letting go of any feeling, emotion, vibration or thought that makes me feel less then. Not worthy of.
Now is the time to look forward into what I want to create and how I want it to feel. I must live like I already have it, I must behave like it is already here.
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of unconditional love.
I am the creator of my reality.
I am choosing happiness.
I am choosing health.
I am chiding abundance.
I am choosing joy.
Doing the work and healing from those wounds requires compassion and love. If I need to rest or sleep or cry, then that’s what I must do. Identifying the source of the wound is critical and that’s my goal this week. Being mindful to not dwell too much or over analyse. Simply recognise it and letting it go. Forgive and move on with an open heart.
Love like you’ve never been hurt before.
Thank you for reading through this very personal and deep experience. I hope you could learn something from it, maybe even relate to it on some level. Remember the work never really ends, it simply goes deeper and to higher levels of consciousness.
Be loving and be kind. Especially to yourself.