Just another bump

When I first started and committed to writing this blog page, I promised to you and to myself to be as authentic and as open as I possibly can. So far it feels like I managed to keep my promise and shared almost everything that was going on.

Today I feel a little doubtful in whether I should, or shouldn't. Is it of any value to anyone, really digging deep to find the truth within myself. So before I continue with blubbering away and waste anymore of your time, let's just see where this will become unstuck.

STUCK!!

Is this word been overused at the moment or is this a common status of many of us? I think for some it is temporary and we find ways around it, for others it may be more like stuck in a loop- something like we bump into a problem, we take some action, we think we are past it and then we find ourselves back in the same place. For others that are more passive, may not even realize that they are in a stuckness type situation, as they have learned to numb themselves from any healthy stimuli and pad their comfort with alcohol, shopping or food.

Back to what I am here to share...right!
Last Tuesday I had a tranvaginal scan(part of a normal process during IVF), it's an internal scan that measures your uterus wall for thickness, progress of follicles (eggs maturity and quality) and any other bits of information to assist with next step of your plan. As you may remember, the doctors I get advice from for this procedure are based in Greece, and I follow their instructions and protocols via emails, scans and blood tests. I also want to remind you the importance of timing in this whole process, as we are following the timing of my cycle to be exact with time of ovulation and later implantation of embryos. So timing is critical.

After my scan I asked for the report then sent it to Greece( they only received it in the afternoon, assessed it and got back to me on the next day to say and I quote:
"Can you please send us through the images as well. You have one enlarged follicle and unless we manage to suppress it, we may have to cancel your treatment"!!!

Wait, what!? Can you please explain to me what does that mean? Anyone?

Of course I got this email the next morning, Bill was heading to work, I was scrambling trying to get the images via email, totally freaking out going into panic mode. Confronted with answers like: "I'm sorry, we don't send images to patients. If you want you can come and pick up a USB". I finally reached the assistant at the Dr's office who I was seeing here that was a little more proactive and said she was onto it, also :"we can give you a number of a counsellor if you want someone to talk to". I know this was a nice gesture, but it really sounded like she was reading this out of a scripted note, and gosh, that's the last thing you want to hear, that you are just a number and we are just doing what we are told. (Yes I know, I know she was trying to be helpful- I can see that now, but I was in a different mode then- think: PMS, think: perimenopause emotional wreck) What I want is to have a better communication and maybe a better explanation to what may be going on.

I reached out to my acupuncturist who has looked at my report and suggested there may be something else going on(totally different, even more freaked out) she then said:"but you have plenty of embryos". Suggesting a positive view.
Also:"You might also want to rush and get a hold of those herbs that may help with your conception in the future".
At this point I notice how stressed I have become about the whole thing. I didn't like where I was. I needed to walk away from all that build up of un necessary chaos. Filter what is not serving me, find a space that I can calm and nurture and rest. My brain and thoughts where running a million miles an hour. Not a walk or meditation helped me slow down my thoughts and find what feels like the next best step for me and so I just went to sleep. Surprisingly I fell asleep quiet easily.

After a restful sleep and a wild dream that sent me a clear message to let go of my worries and simply focus on myself and myhealth. What ever healthy means to me right now. Whatever makes me calm. So I did exactly that.
Sometimes, when you find yourself caught in a field of "too much information" or an overwhelmed, it's tricky to step back and prioritise. You need to find out what was the core of the fear storm you just got yourself trapped into, and to acknowledge that you are in the eye of the storm that you are feeding with your own fears, past fears. 

Unless you are able to see that you are indeed your own worst enemy this will not stop. I was able to talk through some of it with my husband, to know that he understands what is going on and that we are still ok to proceed, that we are still on the same page, that I am still enough and loved. I've been bumping into all different podcasts that talk about contrast or what we all know too well as negative thoughts and negative experiences. We are experiencing contrast to receive more clarifications and more confirmation into the direction we are choosing. This is simply the universe's way to check in with us and get the final details of what we have asked for long ago. This is simply part of the process of our manifestation.

I choose to trust the process and trust that everything is always working out for me. All I need to do is to take care of me and make sure that I enjoy every step of the way, have fun with it and let it unfold. The truth is, I have another scan on Thursday to confirm if we are proceeding as usual or if we are cancelling our first schedule treatment. I am on higher doses of hormones to help with suppressing the follicle and delay my ovulation, so we may still proceed as originally planned.
This waiting period is just part of the process. Just like any other waiting period, it is best to distract yourself with things that you love doing and spend more time in appreciation and love as much as possible.

The past week has been filled with gifts from everyone of my clients and friends. They each gave me their blessings and support that is beyond my expectations. I am so grateful to know I have their support and their love no matter what. My husband is taking care of a million other things so we can proceed and enjoy what we are about to create together and I have learned to see and appreciate how dedicated he is to do his best to support us on this path.

I suppose there will be a part two to this post, I may write it in Australia next Thursday or Friday or I may get onto it on the plain outside of here. Either Way, I'll keep you posted as I am moving through the week, pushing away my worries and filling my time with self care and love the best way I know how. This is just another bump and I appreciate the contrast to confirm my desire to have a real bump, a baby bump. Over and out.

BTW- I took this photo last year when I was in Thessaloniki for my previous treatment. It was during lockdown and hardly a soul in sight. It was a perfect winter day for a walk, and that road was just as bumpy as this one I am taking now. It may not appear this way when you look at this image, right!?
Things are not always as they seem, anything is possible.
I certainly didn't think I'll be heading there again, but I will be there next week.

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Ask for help, not because you are weak, but because you want to remain strong.

Les Brown