Dreaming of motherhood

I know something is growing within me as soon as I can feel those butterflies in my belly, when a big day is coming up or something meaningful like a big family holiday, religious celebration, birthdays, especially those days set by our society to celebrate big moments like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, family day. And so there it is…Mother’s Day is around the corner, and it brings about all those big emotions fast and hard. Especially when it is not a baby that is growing in my belly. Just some anxiety.

There are a couple of angles to what comes up for me: it’s the mother in me and the mother that I am not or maybe more positively put the mum I wish to be. As I am writing this, I can feel the different intensity and weight that each phrase or statement carries. Yes, most of it is heavy, I don’t expect you to understand if you were never in this position. Wanting something so strongly, that you put all your focus on it, and before you know it your life is completely consumed by it. Although, no matter what you do, and the more you do, seems like it is getting further and further away. So, you back off. You change your approach, you do the work, you stop focusing on it (or the lack of it) to simply bring about the joy you can have at any moment without it. For a while you seem to be in a good space. A healthy flow, happy even.

You find the time to journal your feelings, you discover some truths that have been limiting you. (Oh man that will require a whole blog of its own.) You discover those truths are just thoughts that have turned into beliefs that have turned into things. Into your reality. You work hard to break them down, to dissolve them, to change them. You go through enormous pain and even bigger process of forgiveness and healing, to allow yourself to grow and set yourself free of the old chains of your upbringing or even previous generations or lives that you realise are not yours. You break. You crush. You hurt yourself. You may even hurt others unintentionally. You grow. You heal. You start again.

Now listen, I grew up thinking and dreaming of becoming a mother. It seemed to be and still is in my eyes, the next most evolve step to take naturally. My head and body got all screwed up when it didn’t just happen naturally. In fact, it didn’t even happen (yet) with lots of medical assistance. I have some friends that genuinely seem happy without a child or without the parenting or family experience, and I have some friends that forever complain about their daily exhausting lives with their children, I also have some friends that just like to complain no matter what, gees I know what that sounds like all too well. I am a Jew after all… we are masters at that quality, as I heard Jerry Seinfeld say.

I digress, sorry. Do you ever do that when something hurts? Trying to go around it, make some jokes about it, distract, digress, pull away, avoid? Who the heck wants to sit in their pain for too long? I know you have heard of this before. If you are still reading this, you can relate to some of what I’m talking about, weather you’re a mom or not. The pain we must go through to get across to a place of growth and fulfilment, a place of newness…is inevitable. At my kinesiology/acupuncture session this morning we covered exactly that. The need to experience a new thing a new trick. According to Tony Robbins it is 1 of 6 human needs- the need for variety.

The work that I do with my clients challenges me every day. I long to inspire them to grow and evolve and they do the same for me, directly or indirectly. I strongly believe we are in each other sphere because we were meant to be in support of each other in any way we can. When it comes to Mother’s Day, I can feel some of those mixed feelings coming up, wanting to be there for the amazing mom’s out there, as well as for those going to be. Feeling the emotions of jealousy and sadness coming up every time mixed with the love and admiration I have for each of them, is truly hard to explain. No matter how much work I do, the thought of why not me is coming up strong and asking me to be brave and continue showing love and support, when inside I feel so broken and incomplete still.

Ohhhh and here comes the tears!! How to stay present when this happens is the hardest thing. Honour what I feel right now, so you can understand, or so you can feel safe too in your journey, so you will know that you are not alone and that this is as real as it gets. There are not enough places out there to support us and so I wish to create it. It in no surprise that I became a beauty therapist. It’s my way of offering safe space for women, for their health for their healing. Sure, it all started with their skin, but we all know by now, that it all started way before that. A lot deeper than that. To get where you want to get on the outside, you must spend more time on the inside.

Would you believe I just got a phone call from the IVF clinic? Sadly, it was a secretary reminding me about the fee’s arrangement. Yes, interesting timing. One more thing for me to resent about this process, only it reminds me how lucky I am, to have the means and opportunity to pursue this dream one more time. I truly don’t think anyone can understand how irritating this may feel. Yes, it is part of the process and it’s the technical side of things, which is never pleasant no matter what you are chasing. The fact is, that from my experience so far, most of the IVF teams out there are kind and compassionate, especially when they must deliver some bad news which is what they do most of the time because the success rate for IVF in Australia is only 30%. That means there is a significant amount of communication that is not so pleasing to hear. 

Somehow, someway, you shrug it off, get up and start again. Pursuing motherhood is my dream, my wish and so far, still is my reality. I know the horrible cycle one must go through time and time again. The work is endless and forever deepening. I know that every step will and is getting me closer to my goal, and like you, I try to remind myself that no matter where we will end up, stop, and enjoy the process best you can. Work on the other little things that bring you joy, even if it is not little baby’s outfit. Look around you and you’ll find it wherever you go. I do. Surround yourself with all the support you need. Be strong to ask for help so you can remain strong in your process. Love is all around you, but true love is right there inside you. In your heart.

Now to continue where I left off on my previous blog-: "where are my children?"
After our first round of egg donation transfer in Greece I fell pregnant for the first time...That was almost 2 years ago. Being such a monitored and timed process, it continued to be that for the next 6-8 weeks. Blood test, progesterone injections and tablets, more hormones more drugs, scans. 

Finally our first ultrasound to meet our little bubble of joy.
He/She/They were not there.
Empty sac.
Total shock.
Massive and painful grief.
Oh the disbelief was indescribable.
Nothing made sense at that point. Nothing!!

It was the first time I was pregnant and the first time I had a miscarriage. The fact that miscarriages are very common didn't make it any easier. One in four pregnancies end up in miscarriages and the support needed for grieving may not always be there , as it is expected to remain silent.

Months after we put ourselves back together again, Covid hit Australia and completely distracted us from the present reality. Yes, for us, at least at that time, Covid was a welcomed distraction. I couldn't work so I just rested and did a ton of work on my mental health. Bill continued working through out and for a while we didn't talk about it. We had some therapy. Some apart and some together, ever so delicately mending our broken hearts and falling in love again with each other, with life and with our individual souls.

The new year was upon us. 2021. We were almost ready for the next step. What is the next step? Where do we go from here? We now have 3 frozen embryos at the Greek lab in Thessaloniki. Am I ready to start the new adventure in pursuing motherhood? 

To be continued...




1 comment

Brave beautiful woman. I hug you tight.

Sabina July 02, 2022

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Self Love programs

Ask for help, not because you are weak, but because you want to remain strong.

Les Brown