Blurry Reflections

I seem to be taking my time in writing this, it's taking a while. Being me and do what I do, I start to overthink it, start blaming my lack of routine, which pretty soon(in my mind) turns into lack of commitment, my head starts spinning, I look for stability, I look for clear direction, I put one foot in front of the other, stick to the plan, follow doctor's instructions, record your cycle, get your next set of meds, book your scans, book your acupuncture, remember to breathe, keep going, don’t stop, stay focus, look ahead, it will all fall into place. Oh god it was only a few drinks!!

Stop!! Just stop for a minute!!

I just jumped on that Mary go round. Allowed doubt occupy my head. I let it in. It was me. Honest to god. It’s just me and my all over the place head scenario.
What to do? What to do?

Does any of this sound familiar or am I on my own here?? It was only the other week when I was in complete flow, clear direction, clear mind. How can I be in this confused space again? 

So I take a break. Walk away from the computer, go out for a walk, stop for a coffee and sit at a bench in the park. Wonder and wonder and wonder some more…”go back to basics” the voice whispers… connect, tune in and come back later. And so I do.

Just like that, I turned on an Abraham Hicks podcast and the conversation was about clarity, lack of it due to partying or drinking alcohol. Totally blown away from the timing of this...and so I start reflecting.
I questioned if the “fun” I had on the weekend has anything to do with how I feel, I turned on a podcast and the answer is right there, loud and clear. I had a great time. I also had a lot more to drink than what I would normally consume. Now my body feels disconnected, out of alignment, not normal. I have to ask myself why? What led to that? Was I escaping something? Avoiding something? What’s the deal??

This is not me. So why did I choose that on Saturday night?? Is it the one last hurrah before I get on with our next steps to a baby? Do I look into this too much? Why can’t I just shake this off? Were there a bunch of unhappy women that triggered my fear? What if it won't work? will I turn into one of them? Will I be unhappy too and spend the next few years, altering whatever is left of me or whom i supposed to be. I catch myself in this wave of judgments and assumptions. I don't really know many of them, I am sure they each have a story. I'm sure they too, struggle in seeing themselves in the mirror every now and then, especially after a big night out.

Who am I to sit here and question? Whoahhh that just threw me into a spinning mess. Here I am trying to find my balance, literally. It's almost half way through the week and I can't get off that mad doing phase, I'm in this rush to catch up and tick more boxes on the list and all I do is keep going back to self judgment and sadness. Haven't I worked it out already? I thought I was way passed that.

Time to meditate.

Time to get in touch with the true me. The fearless one. The one that gets up, shrugs it off and moves forward with strength and integrity. Time to remove another layer of pain and wounding, heal and carry forward. I know I can do it, as I have done it before many times. Time to reveal my loving and kind self. The accepting self. The knowing self. Questioning doesn't mean not knowing, questioning means curious, questioning means wanting to learn more, questioning means humility and humbleness. Questioning means getting clear and removing the blur. 

Finding my focus in stillness and in deeper connection to my heart. It is not found in the doing, but it is found in the seeking for a true connection with me and what I am or better yet what I am becoming. Feeling it being created at its magical space and time. The thought alone gives me peace. Gives me the trust that was lost for a few days by a simple chemical interruptions to my connection to self, brought on by alcohol and then multiplied by self judgment. 

Meditation and self care go hand in hand. I know enough about each and I know enough to tell you that they are a must if balance is what you seek. Turn over the page of sabotage and start again. Start now. Honor yourself and love yourself again. Start with looking at yourself with kind eyes, loving eyes. It's never too late or too strange to start again. We start each day again and again. Just like the sun comes up every day, so can you and so can your clear reflection.

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Ask for help, not because you are weak, but because you want to remain strong.

Les Brown